Sister Patricia On: The Conclave

(Sister Patricia Owens O’Flannery, OP, a post-modern pre-traditional omni-spiritual Dominican sister, periodically contributes to AoftheA. Today she offers commentary on the Conclave.)

Greetings, dearest readers! May the gentle embrace and soothing caresses of Sophia and her bounteous boons fill you with light and peace and good vibrations! I apologize once again for my extended absence, but LarryD keeps changing the blog’s password without telling me, which forces me to enlist the services of my great-nephew (a plucky lil sprout of nine!) to hack in so I can post. I’m shocked – shocked, I tell you! – at LarryD’s absolute uncharitable actions! If he keeps this up, I most certainly will not burn embersticks nor chant incantations at my convent’s upcoming Spring Equinox Ecumenical Faire, no matter how much he needs the spiritual assistance.

I’m sure all of you are anticipating my opinion on the Conclave, and my thoughts on who the next Pope should be. By the time this publishes, the Conclave will have already commenced, and those fussy little cardinals will be shuffling around the Sistine Chapel, burning their ballots and releasing colored smoke. If it were me, I’d add some incense for ambience, but did they ask me? Noooooo. It sounds rather boring. I don’t understand why any woman would want to be involved – unless the cardinals are smoking cigars and drinking cognac during the voting process. Talk about holy spirits!

Now, as to the next Pope…you know, if the world were fair (and it really ought to be!), the most logical choice for the next Pope would be me! I know, it’s so obvious! I’m everything a Pope needs to be. I satisfy everyone’s desires. I can bake cookies for the Curia, too.

There are numerous reasons why I’m perfectly qualified to be Popette.

First, I’m Post-Modern. This means I am beyond limiting labels and constricting thought paradigms. I have the ability to transcend the mundane mendacity of monolithic mannerisms. (Don’t ask me what that means – I am above needing to explain myself.)

Second, I’m Pre-Traditional. This means I was born before the Second Vatican Council, which everyone knows represents the true tradition of the Church. I am infused with the Spirit, and have the reiki stones to prove it!

Third, I’m Omni-Spiritual. This means I love all and judge none and accept many. Except LarryD, but besides him…I am one with the Ancient Amerindian and as well as the Votariants of the Holy Bark of Tamarind. I dialogue with the Djibouti Druids of Divination and commune with the Charismatic Crustaceanites of the Caymans. I get along with everyone. Even Catholics. In addition, I have been told on unnumbered occasions that I speak in tongues, and that I possess the gift of proclaiming Babel. Isn’t that just the most marvelous compliment?

Fourth, I’m Dominican. It’s time we had a Dominican Pope again, don’t you agree?

And finally, I look absolutely fabulous in white. I can rock the heels too – no matter what the color.

Of course, this will never happen. Women are still being denied the opportunity to express the true wonderment of their highly evolved pan-humanistic trans-theophanate femininity within the formal Church. It is to sigh. I suppose I can take some consolation in the fact that the Women’s Ordination Congress is blowing pink smoke at their protests here and there. But you know, they’ve been blowing smoke for a long time now, and what has it gotten them? Nothing.

So I hope you enjoy the boring guy that gets elected, and rue that which might have been – Popette Patricia I.

Oh, one more thing! I heard of this wonderful endeavor called “Adopt-a-Cardinal”. I think it’s a beautiful gesture, so I signed up, and adopted Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier of South Africa. I’m so excited! I can’t wait for the Conclave to end so that he can come live with me! I wonder if he knows any shamans prayers…

I must go now – I’ve been very busy preparing for our Spring Equinox Ecumenical Faire. You have no idea how difficult it is to build a replica of Stonehenge out of papier-mâché. May the spring nymphs fill your hearts with gladness, and may your gladding cups overflow with joy!!

This entry was posted in Humor, Parody, SisterPatricia. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Sister Patricia On: The Conclave

  1. Jeanne G. says:

    As a Lay Dominican, I do agree with this: “Fourth, I’m Dominican. It’s time we had a Dominican Pope again, don’t you agree” but maybe next time…

    Like

  2. It isn’t exactly a true representation of what Jesus taught — to put yourself last, to find your true calling, to show respect.

    Like

  3. What? Pope Patricia I? I thought she’d look a little further back with her pre-traditional self and opt for Pope Joan II.

    Wasn’t she someone’s figment too?

    Like

  4. al007italia says:

    Sounds like Sr Patricia has been communicating with her fellow Dominican nuns over at Sinsinawa Mound. I suppose she would appoint Sr. Donna as head of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith should she be elected.

    Seriously, we all know the next pope will be Pope Allen the first. 😉

    Like

    • thelarryd says:

      . I suppose she would appoint Sr. Donna as head of the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith should she be elected.

      She told me she would appoint her long-time spiritual mentor from the Navaho nation, Chief Running Gag.

      Like

  5. elestirne says:

    I adopted Cardinal Napier as well… I guess that’s one thing we have in common…

    Like

  6. Kate Theriot says:

    thanks so much for this delighful commentary – you have my vote!

    Like

  7. Tunces says:

    Patsy is quoted on my blog – I think.

    Like

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