Well, you know he had to, eventually. Him and the rest of the Peanuts gang. Nobody, not even cartoon characters, remain kids forever. The cartoon strips were just snapshots of their childhood, that’s all.
So what happened to them? Well, believe it or not, many of those kids became Catholic bloggers and personalities. I kid you not. It’s kinda weird and totally unexpected, but the crackerjack AoftheA Research Department staff has outdone itself this time, digging up the details that until now, no one knew. It’s pretty amazing. And it turns out that the names Schultz gave them were pseudonyms.
Oh – a bit of sad news, first. Snoopy has died, unfortunately. Succumbed to the Asian Bird Flu.
But what about Charlie and the rest?
Former bad luck magnet and cruddy ghost costume creator. Terrible baseball team manager and terrorized by the kite-eating tree. Remember that thing he had for the Little Red Haired Girl?
Just thinking about her made him all googly and queasy. Turns out that when Charlie got older, he signed up for hair restoration treatments, got over his shyness, found his self-confidence, and ended up marrying the her! I know!
He’s now Mr. Jennifer Fulwiler!
OK, technically he’s not a blogger, but he will be on a Catholic reality show that airs later this month. And the Little Red Haired Girl is a moderately well-known Catholic blogger, so hey, it counts.
Sally Brown/Linus van Pelt
Ah yes, Linus van Pelt, the sagacious and insightful one, and the object of Sally’s admiration and puppy-love aspirations. Linus, though, was destined for a celibate adulthood, much to Sally’s chagrin. It’s believed that Linus discovered his calling when he gave his soliloquy on the meaning of Christmas. That short foray in Scripture exegesis as a mere six year old led him to fame in the Catholic world.
He’s Monsignor Georg Gänswein, the Holy Father’s personal secretary.
And Sally? Well, she understood his decision, but still took it hard. In the end, though, she accepted it as God’s will. She moved on, changed the color of her hair, went to North Carolina, and took up blogging.
And it’s a good blog, too - The Crescat. She’s over him, but she now has this thing for those guys that protect him.
Lucy van Pelt
Oh boy. So many words come to mind when you say the name “Lucy van Pelt”. Bossy. Aggressive. Know-it-all. Full of advice. Always in people’s faces. Pushy. Manipulative. Mean. Conceited. Superiority complex up the yin-yang.
Hard to believe she became a Catholic blogger, but she did. Gotten married, has a large family. Which has helped soften the rough edges a bit – for instance, she doesn’t charge her kids 5 cents when they come to her asking for advice, and she’s reportedly kicked the “take-the-football-away-at-the-last-second” habit, too.
It’s Rebecca Frech, blogging at Shoved To Them. See, even her blog title has a pushy word in it.
And she blogs under the name “aka the Mom”. See? Trying to be everybody’s mother…
Poor kid – attracted dirt like trailer parks attract twisters. He mostly cleaned up as he got older. Got married, started a family, and then started a blog.
It’s called Creative Minority Report, and he’s Matt Archbold.
If you read his pieces on family life, where he writes about unidentifiable gunky stuff in the family van, or how his kids get syrup in their hair, or how the house is a perpetual disaster zone, or any other post on how messy things are, you know it’s just how life is for him. The dirt and dust find him, like in the old days. Oh sure, that stuff can describe any family in which there are five kids, but his brother Patrick would say, undeniably and categorically, that the five kids really don’t have much to do with it.
The AoftheA Research Department is still verifying the identities of the other kids, like Violet and Schroeder and Marcie And Peppermint Patty (there are indications she’s personal trainer Jillian Michaels of “The Biggest Loser”, but that hasn’t been confirmed), and as those details become available, they’ll be published.
Hey – these are honest facts, people. It’s on the Internet, so it must be true.
H/T to Rebecca at Shoved To Them for help. Matt as Pig-Pen was her idea. Actually, she made me write this. Cos she’s bossy.