Obama: We “Took Too Many Medals”

(AoftheAP)  Less than 24 hours after the conclusion of the 2012 Summer Olympics, President Barack Obama announced that, while he was pleased with the sportsmanship and sense of fair play exhibited by all the U.S. athletes, he was disappointed at the level of their success.

“Let me be clear.  The Olympics are so much more than mere winning and losing.  I believe, and there are many who think as I do, that the Olympics are about fairness, about a cooperative spirit.  I think what we as a nation ought to be asking ourselves is, what kind of country do we really want?  The way I see it, and again, the way so many others around the world see it as well, is that what you have here…

“Look it, the United States took home 104 total medals.  That’s more than the bottom 45 or 46 nations combined – not including those countries that didn’t even receive one medal.  The United States took home 46 gold medals – that’s more than all but 3 countries’ – our good friends from China, Russia and Great Britain – total medal counts.  Think about how unfair that is.  For example, our country received 46 gold medals, while Germany received a total of only 44 medals – gold, silver and bronze combined.  The way I see it, the U.S. took too many medals.

“So, in order to make this more fair, I’m issuing an Executive Order this morning declaring that the US Olympic Team will redistribute up to 75% of their medals to nations who received very few, or none at all.  I think it’s okay that we keep some of the medals, just not all of them.  And I urge our good friends from China and Russia to consider doing the same.  What I’m not proposing here is unilateral dismedalment, which I’m sure my critics will accuse me of doing.  I’m doing this in the spirit of cooperation and fairness, the sort of values that the Olympics, and our nation, are built upon.

“I think most people would agree, that we ‘won’ those medals because so many others ‘lost’.  As proud as I am at the effort and hard work put forth by our nation’s athletes, I just have to say to them, listen – you didn’t win that.  Somebody else…made that happen.  And that ‘somebody else’ happens to be nearly all the other nations of the world, who just didn’t have the same opportunities, the same quality roads and bridges, which obviously did not lead to equitable outcomes.  This Executive Order seeks to remedy that.”

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15 responses

  1. Pingback: Obama: We “Took Too Many Medals” | The American Catholic

  2. You REALLY need to tag your satires as such, because it is getting harder and harder to tell the difference between satire and reality when it comes to Dear Leader. I would say it is funny, but it is actually a bit scary.

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    • At the bottom of the piece: Humor, News That Could Be True, Obama, Satire

      Plus, any post of mine that starts off with “(AoftheAP)” is satire.

      Thanks for reading and for the kind words!

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      • But I don’t read the bottom first. Being of Indo-European descent, I read from left to right, top to bottom. Now, I have to overcome centuries, nay millenia, of linguistic encoding just to keep from having my blood pressure raised by a post here. >>grumble<< rotfl

        Yours if one of 5 blogs that I read on a regular basis, so you and Fr Z have something in common. lol

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  3. WOO! Good thing I read the entire column, or I would have begun posting Obammy’s “quotes” on news sites immediately, and paid the price with my credibility. Close call there my friend – how about a little “heads-up”?
    On the other hand, it is hilarious! ;-)

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  4. At first I thought this was real. I thought you have got to be kidding me! He would do something like this. Then as I read on, I started to laugh. Well done LarryD! Thanks for always making me laugh and being one of my first followers on my blog, which is getting some attention now.

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  5. Amazing, but I’m afraid I knew it was you:). However, you have his style nailed. Priceless. I can hear the condescension now…..

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