Last Night At SCHISM Headquarters…


EXT. SWAMP – NIGHT

Moonlight streaks through moss-covered trees. In the middle of a clearing stands a black-domed structure – the secret hideout for the nefarious super-villain group SCHISM [Society of Catholycs Hellbent on Instituting Secular Modernism].

INT. SECRET HIDEOUT

People seated around a large round table in a dimly lit room. One person is standing, a scowl on his face. It’s KING KÜNG (aka Hans Küng), leader of SCHISM. With him are REESE’S PIECES (Fr Tom Reese); RAINBOWKID (GLBTQ androgynous-looking character); LIVE CURRANT (Fr Charles Curran); COSMIC GIRL (Sr Joan Chittister); and the SOUR PATCH KID (YouthGen group at Call-to-Action).

KING KÜNG

Good eveningk, fellow SCHISM members. I zingk you know vhy I have assembled us here tonight.

RAINBOWKID

You’ve got the latest season of Glee on Blu-Ray?

KING KÜNG

Vhat? No, you idiot! I’m speakink about zhis column from Sunday’s New York Times, “Can Liberal Christianity Be Saved“.  Did everyone read it?

Indiscriminate muttering and grumbling from around the table.

KING KÜNG

I take zhat as a yes.  Vell, let me tell you somezhingk.  Don’t be discouraged – Douthat is vay off base.

LIVE CURRANT

What does Douthat know, anyway? After all, he’s…he’s Orthodox.

KING KÜNG

Exactly! Und besides, he is talkingk about Episcopalians. Everyone knows zhat zhey screw up everyzingk.

REESE’S PIECES

But they espouse many, if not all, of the same beliefs as us. Women’s ordination, same-sex marriage, married priests, birth control…how are we any different from them?

KING KÜNG

Bah! Zhey might believe zee same zhingks, but zhey are just goingk about it zee wrong vay.

REESE’S PIECES

How?

KING KÜNG

Zhey just are. Besides, vee have somezhingk zhey don’t have. Und do you know vhat zhat is?

RAINBOWKID

A secret base?

KING KÜNG

No, not vhat I vas zhinkingk of…

COSMIC GIRL

A deep abiding Wisdom that flowers from the bosom of the ever-expanding universe of penetrating Oneness, enfolding us in golden layers of tranquility and feminine empowerment?

KING KÜNG

Vhat? Vhat the heck are you talkingk about? Does anyone know vhat she is sayingk?

SOUR PATCH KID

Could it be that, like, we have actual, y’know, young-ish people? Y’know?

KING KÜNG

Vell, zhat’s true, but zhat vasn’t vhat I had in mind…

REESE’S PIECES

I’d say it’s the Spirit of Vatican II.

KING KÜNG

Also true, but vhat I vas goingk to…

LIVE CURRANT

I know, I know! Well-educated Catholics with informed consciences, who have thrown off the yoke of “pay, pray and obey”?

KING KÜNG

Yes, yes! Vee all know zhat! Now stop interruptingk me! Vee have somethingk even better zhan all zhose zhingks.  Vee have zee National Catholic Reporter to promote us!  Subscribers on every continent!  Over 120,000 subscribers! An on-line presence second to none! Zhey are unquestioningk in zheir support of…

REESE’S PIECES

I’d like to add that America is also supportive of SCHISM, as well…

KING KÜNG
(mockingly, in a nasally voice)
I’d like to add zhat America is also supportive of SCHISM, as vell… Zhere, you got your little plug in for your little magazine. Happy? Are you?

REESE’S PIECES

Well, sure, I sup-

KING KÜNG

Shut up und stop interruptingk me! Now, vhere vas I? Ah, yes, zee Reporter. Vith zheir help, vee can avoid zee problems zee Episcopalians are experiencingk.

LIVE CURRANT

But the bishops don’t consider the Reporter to be a legitimate Catholic voice.

KING KÜNG

Bah! Two reasons vhy zhat is irrelevant. Eins – zee bishops lack credibility. Zwei – John Allen still writes zhere. Und drei, Patheos links to zee Reporter. How can you not be more legitimate zhan zhat?

LIVE CURRANT
(counts to three using his fingers, opens mouth to say something, then shuts it, shaking his head)

SOUR PATCH KID

OK, like, y’know, I see what you’re saying, right? Like, you’re saying, whoa slow down dudes and don’t get all dejected and all that, it’s not like, the acropolis or the end of the world, y’know, because we’re gonna, y’know, not die off like the Pedestiquarians and stuff.

KING KÜNG

Episcopalians.

SOUR PATCH KID

Right, what you said. And, like, we’re more inclusive because, like, gays and lesbians are cool and stuff.

RAINBOWKID

Word!

SOUR PATCH KID

Dude! So, like, how come our numbers aren’t, like, getting bigger and all?

KING KÜNG

It’s obvious. Vee are becoming a smaller und purer church.

LIVE CURRANT

Hang on. We’re becoming smaller, by being more inclusive.

KING KÜNG

Yes.

LIVE CURRANT

We’re growing, by getting smaller.

KING KÜNG

Now you got it! Yes, zhat’s it exactly!

LIVE CURRANT

That makes no sense at all.

KING KÜNG

You know, for someone who convinced Americann Catholics zhey can be personally opposed to abortion vhile being for it, you are quite dense. Have Cosmic Girl explain it to you later. She has zee gift of makingk zee understandable incomprehensible.

COSMIC GIRL

It’s true. It’s a gift.

REESE’S PIECES

But the German Shepherd…

ALL

Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!

REESE’S PIECES

…has said that the true Church will become smaller and purer.

KING KÜNG

Vell, of course! He’s obviously talking about us! So you see, vee have nothingk to vorry about!

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5 responses

  1. This is very clever and humorous. I would like to watch your mind at work on TV – maybe NOVA or Frontline. They could insert a micro-mini-ini camera insde your sinus or eyelid – kind of how they used to do labotomies, and then send it on it’s way.

  2. LarryD, your description of the liberal mentalities at work here are on target! Especially, Cosmic Girl aka Sr. Joan Chittister. People like her become so wrapped up in their narrow little world they can’t even speak understandable English.

  3. LOL (under my breath as I am in the library)
    Like Stephen said, this catches their mentality exactly. Instead of facing facts, like the Episcopalians, they are in denial & see everything as a sign they are suceeding insteading failing as they really are.
    As Douthat says: “their fate is nearly certain: they will change, and change, and die.”

  4. I hope we get to check back with SCHISM every so often. This would make a great series: You could have Sr. Joan channel the ghost of Fr. Drinan, listen in on an Apostatic Visitation to SCHISM’s Austrian branch, etc.

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