Sister Patricia: On The LCWR ‘Crackdown’

(Sister Patricia Owens O’Flannery, OP, a post-modern pre-traditional omni-spiritual Dominican sister, periodically contributes to AoftheA.  Today she offers commentary on the Vatican’s recent decision on the LCWR.)

Hello, dear and gentle readers and friends of LarryD!  May the warmth and vicissitude of Nature grace you with immeasurable beneficence!  I have been praying for each of you every day, offering supplication that Sophia bless you and surround you with her wise wisdom, inspiring you to dance and play and immerse yourself in Her ephemeral permanence of lasting spontaneity!

You know, I’m not sure that makes a lot of sense, and if it doesn’t, please forgive me.  My soul has been heavy as of late, all because of the recent announcement of the LCWR investigation.  I know that many of you have been eager for my opinion and insights on this serious matter – I have felt the psychic vibrations emanating throughout the noosphere.  Such confusion in your hearts, dear readers!  I will try to explain and assuage your fearsome trepidations and trepidacious fears.

Before I begin, let me assure each and every one of you – the Swiss Guard have not put me or any other LCWR representative under house arrest!  Those rumors are simply unfounded!  We are free to travel as we wish, our passports have not been confiscated, and none of us – I repeat in the most emphatic of terms! – none of us have had our reiki stones taken away or labyrinths dismantled.

Now, as with any traumatic experience, we tend to vividly recall what we were doing at the time of the experience.  For some, it was the assassination of JFK; for others, when the space shuttle Challenger exploded; and still others, when the Berlin Wall was torn down.  In my own life, I vividly recall every action and emotion that coursed through me when I heard that Polly’s Polyester Pantsuit Palace in Walla Walla closed its doors, back in 1983.  I had just been released from the local Catholic elementary school, and was meditating along with Chick Corea’s “The Meeting” album, and my mesquite incense infuser, when Sister Etta Loretta Loreto burst into the room, crying with the news.   That was the last day I ever listened to Chick’s music.  A sad sad day.  The smell of mesquite still evokes a passionate tear.

But this news, hard to believe, was even sadder.  I was leading a group of NCReporter editors on a pilgrimage to several Buddhist monasteries in Nepal when my 4S iphone newsfeed alarm went off (I downloaded the voice of Gloria Steinem, and she says “You’ve got fe-mail”!  Isn’t that spectacular?), and I read the story with shock.  The rest of the trip was ruined, as the thin atmosphere made it difficult for me to conduct any soothing breathing exercises.  All I could think about, was how could this be possible?  The LCWR – the prophetic voice of the world – and no one predicted this was going to happen!

Upon returning to Michigan, I orchestrated a conference call with the leadership of the LCWR to devise a strategy.  Unfortunately, because of all the caterwauling and spitting fits, all we could accomplish was schedule a meeting at a future date for additional dialogue, and form subcommittees to develop a framework in order to discuss the problem.  Well, that could take months before anything gets done!  By that time, the Vatican might have us all in chains and forced to wash Church linens and repair vestments!

After much meditation, yoga and a few visits to the sweat lodge, I concluded that the only reason the Vatican chose this moment in time, this nexus of confluent space-time events, to make their move, is that they know for certain that the LCWR is close to breaking free from their patriarchal padlocks.  The ecclesiastical clock must be mere moments from midnight, when their hierarchical hold on our charisms is loosed, and the feminine consciousness is unleashed across the cosmos.  Thus, they are acting with impunity now, at this very moment, to prevent the LCWR from reaching their full potential.  They have perpetrated this grave injustice, plugging their fingers into the dike of destiny.

So I have decided to combat the injustice on my own, and present my idea to the LCWR at a later date.  My plan is called SOPHIA:  Stop Oppressive Patriarchal Hierarchy Immediately, Alright?  See, I think where my generation went wrong, is not with the post-dogmatic trans-doctrinal direction – that trend was necessary to break free of the restrictive binds of orthodoxy.  And as anyone can see, it was wise of us to do so.  Same with the habits and the sequestered living conditions.  We were right to leave behind such traditional ways and embark upon the new path of freedom.

No, where we failed was that we should have been ministering to the rich and wealthy, instead of centering so much of our efforts on the poor and needy.  You see, it’s occurred to me that what really matters is the money.  Money = power, and those who have the money have the power.  The poor and needy have no money – that’s why they’re poor and needy – and thus they have no power.  If we had focused on the rich and wealthy like the bishops had done, then we would have had enough power to withstand this egregious assault and none of this would have happened.  We would be standing upon a new dawn of dawny dawnness – rife with possibility and promise!

Therefore, I am launching the SOPHIA Institute, a daycare and education center for rich people’s children, and only the rich.  If you’re poor, you’ll be of no help to me.  Once this is operational, I will be able to teach the rich people’s children, eventually amassing power and influence.  And then once I have that power and influence, I will be as strong as the bishops and perhaps even the Vatican, and they won’t ever dare to investigate the LCWR again.

I know what many of you must be thinking – that such a strategy goes against the gospel message and all.  It certainly seems that way, but seriously now – between you and me – the LCWR has gone beyond Jesus, and wasn’t all that interested in that gospel message in the first place.  The LCWR has a gospel, of course, just not the one found in the Bible.  No, all along the LCWR has desired the power and the influence, but went about acquiring it incorrectly.  Once the LCWR learns of my plan, they will pledge their full support, because it will help them reach their ultimate goal:  power.

And better fashion sense.

So there you have it, my dear friends.  Once the Institute is up and running, I’ll send everyone a link to the website where you can register your children – and then, together, we will lead you down the path to prosperity, a new consciousness, and the soothing embrace of Sophia’s effervescent and influential wisdom.

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17 responses

  1. I hate to break this to Sr. Patricia, but a Sophia Institute already exists, in fact several of them, that operate along the same lines she proposes. So she might run into some legal problems. (Note: there is also the Sophia Institute Press run by Thomas More College that upholds orthodox Catholic teaching as well)
    I know this news will just send her further into a deep funk, but I had to do the charitable thing & prepare her for the worst. ;)

  2. Does Sister (?) really expect us to take her seriously after that rubbish? I’ve seen fashion models with less makeup & less ‘coiffed’ hair! Nuns should look like nuns & act like nuns not as if they expect to be called in front of the TV cameras every minute. If she looked like a nun (remember habits?) she would be recognised as such & that might encourage her & her ilk from making up their own form of Catholicism

  3. Larry, I love Sr Pat in all her moonbattiness. I’m with Terry though, do you use a funny voice when you write her?

    (Psssst…David….it’s a parody. Don’t look now, but your gullible is showing.)

  4. My dear sweet Sr. Patricia, I too was so disturbed by the news that my chakras went out of balance. By the grace of Sophia, there is a wonderful retreat center nearby offering 20% reiki sessions for LCWR members. The best part is they throw in a free set of healing crystals! Keep fighting Sr. Pat and don’t let those evil men bring you down!

  5. Pingback: Sister Patricia: On The LCWR ‘Crackdown’ | The American Catholic

  6. David,
    This was great! Actually, the first time I read Sister Patricia, I almost thought she was real, too. BTW, I don’t know whether you write in falsetto, but I read/hear it in falsetto. . . really.

  7. The Catholic Encyclopedia has this to say regarding the LCWR:

    “It is distinguished…for crafty proceedings, chicane and lack of frankness on the part of its adherents, especially their pretence of remaining Catholics without renouncing their errors, of staying in the Church despite the Church itself, by skilfully eluding or braving with impunity the decisions of the supreme authority. Such conduct is beyond doubt without a parallel in the annals of Christianity…”

    Oh sorry! That Isn’t the LCWR they were referring to, that is Jansenism!

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