Same-Sex Marriage: A Boon For The Unattractive?

(AoftheAP) While debate rages over the recent Same-Sex Marriage bill signed into law in New York State, and the Civil Union passage in Rhode Island, one group of Americans have silently cheered the landmark changes.

The unattractive.

Wilbur Freckenbrenner, president of the group Unattractive Guys Love & Yearn Too, or UGLY² for short, is glad that seven states now recognize same-sex marriage to one degree or another. “Guys like me have no hope of ever marrying a girl,” he told AoftheA. “And who can blame them, right? But that doesn’t mean I should be discriminated against solely based upon my looks. It’s not like I’ve chosen to be ugly or anything. Married couples receive incredible benefits – and with same-sex marriage gaining approval, myself and other members of UGLY² have greater opportunities to receive those same benefits.”

Freckenbrenner was quick to point out that he’s not gay. “I am attracted to women. I’m 100% straight, as is every single member of UGLY². Problem is, women aren’t attracted to us.”

Bradley Sachet, a spokesman for the GLBT advocacy group Redefine Marriage Now!, isn’t pleased with groups like UGLY². He feels they’re merely attempting to co-opt the hard-won fights in New York and Rhode Island, and using the results to their advantage.

“Our fight goes way beyond just wanting the same rights as opposite-sex marriages,” Sachet said. “We’re fighting for tolerance and justice. We’re fighting to remove the stigma of a love between two men or two women. Groups like UGLY² are making a mockery of our struggle. And that’s intolerable.”

But Freckenbrenner disputes Sachet’s claims. “We’re not the ones making a mockery of marriage – we aren’t bullying opponents; we aren’t demonizing Christians; we aren’t holding Ugly Pride Parades; we aren’t demanding the right to adopt kids. We just want to “marry” our ugly roommates in order to cash in on the bennies. That’s it. And to be honest, I think that’s what the whole same-sex marriage push boils down to for groups like Redefine Marriage Now! You know – follow the money. The difference with us is that we’re not ashamed to admit it.”

Other groups have joined UGLY² in applauding New York’s and Rhode Island’s new laws, most notably FOUL (Females Overtly Un-Lovable) and MISANTHROPE (MInistry of Socially Awkward Nerds Totally Helpless in Realizing Ordinary Personal Expression).

The head of MISANTHROPE, Jerry Noob, spoke to AoftheA during a break of an on-line multi-player session of Halo 3. “As a Rhode Island resident, I can now go the city hall and get “married” to my gaming partner, Portal2Rulz4Ever, some dude up in Worcester. Yeah, we won’t be living together, but so what? It’s not like we have to love each other to get married now. But we’ll get all the benefits of being “married”, which is what the gays want. We just have to fill out some paperwork and show up at the courthouse. I just hope it doesn’t take too long, because my Call of Duty team meets on-line every night at 7:00.”

Just how many licenses have been issued to the ugly and unattractive? Specific numbers are difficult to ascertain, but information from the Massachusetts Registry of Vital Records and Statistics have showed that since 2005, when same-sex marriage was legalized in that state, most of the licenses were granted to members of such groups.

A clerk from Boston’s City Hall- who asked to remain anonymous – estimates that 65-75% of the licenses she’s granted were to non-gays. “You can just tell,” she told AoftheA. “They weren’t all that attractive, and some looked as if they spend all their time in front of a television, playing video games or something – haggard, unshaven, pale-looking, a bit smelly too. Definitely not gay at all.”

Sachet disagrees with the percentages. “All that is conjecture and anecdotal. Our research shows that nationwide, gays easily outnumber the ugly in applying for marriage licenses. Sure, with some of the women, it can be hard to tell the difference, and that’s probably what is skewing the numbers. At the end of the day, though, same-sex marriage is primarily GLBT issue.”

Mildred Blemper, president of FOUL, begs to differ. “Same-sex marriage is most definitely a FOUL and UGLY² issue; possibly more so than a gay rights issue. We’re just not going to be obnoxious about it.”

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