Meanwhile, Back At SCHISM Headquarters…


EXT. SWAMP – NIGHT
Moonlight streaks through moss-covered trees. Standing in the middle of a clearing is a black-domed structure that wouldn’t look out of place as a church in the Archdiocese of LA. It is the secret hideout for the nefarious super-villain group SCHISM [Society of Catholycs Hellbent on Instituting Secular Modernism].

INT. SECRET HIDEOUT
People seated around a large round table in a dimly lit room. One person is standing, a scowl on his face. It’s KING KÜNG (aka Hans Küng), leader of SCHISM. With him are REESE’S PIECES (Fr Tom Reese); MCBRAIN (Fr. Dick McBrien); RAINBOWKID (GLBTQ androgynous-looking character); LIVE CURRANT (Fr Charles Curran); COSMIC GIRL (Sr Joan Chittister); and the SOUR PATCH KIDS (YouthGen group at Call-to-Action).

KING KÜNG
I zink you know vhy I’ve summoned all of you here tonight.
RAINBOWKID
We’re having an American Idolviewing party?
KING KÜNG
Vhat? No, you fool! I’m talkink about zee recent release of Universæ Ecclesiæ, by our arch enemy, zee German Shepherd.

ALL
Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

KING KÜNG
Apparently, SCHISM agents veeth-in zee Vatican failed in zheir attempt to dilute zee document veeth my Ink Cartridge of Ambiguous Interpretation, or have it printed on my specially treated Phlegmatic Parchment.

REESE’S PIECES
If they had been successful, I and my friends at Catholyc publications around the world would have an easier time writing condescending analyses, deflecting its power.

MCBRAIN
I say, what does it matter. We ought to respond as we have always done.

KING KÜNG
Vhich is?

MCBRAIN
(shrugs)
Ignore it.

KING KÜNG
(pounds fist on table)
No!!! Vee must respond veeth active participation!

COSMIC GIRL
But what can we do? The German Shepherd -

ALL
Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

COSMIC GIRL
- wields power borne of the Universal Signature, which binds the Aura of Oneness to his Core Of Ultimate Being. What paths are open to us, armed only with The V2 Spirit and our Formed Consciences of Integral Beatitude?

KING KÜNG
Does…does any vun know vhat zee heck she’s talkink about? Anybody?

LIVE CURRANT
I’ve had conversations with a drunk Teddy Kennedy that made more sense.

KING KÜNG
Vhatever. My friends, I’ve devised a counter attack so ruthless, so devious, so…so ingenious zhat even I am amazed.

REESE’S PIECES
You’re not planning on writing another book, are you?

MCBRAIN
Yeah - ‘Can The Church Still Be Saved?’ isn’t going to set any sales records, you know.

KING KÜNG
Vas ist-?

RAINBOWKID
You’ve written another book?

SOUR PATCH KIDS
Is it on Kindle?

KING KÜNG
(angrily)
Zhis is not about my latest book! Zee book is merely a…a diversion. No, my plan involves so much more. Listen closely, all of you. Vhat is zee one zink zhat conservative Catholics say about us post-Vatican II types?

MCBRAIN
We’re wrong?

KING KÜNG
Besides zhat.

LIVE CURRANT
We make the liturgy about us instead of about God?

KING KÜNG
Not quite vhat I vas zhinkink…

COSMIC GIRL
We’ve imagined the Vatican II documents to create realities that actually lack existence, and disregard the essence of their interpretive actuality?

KING KÜNG
Uhhh…you know, your mouth moves and I hear vords, but you still make no sense.

COSMIC GIRL
(quickly)
We make up stuff about Vatican II documents, and ignore what they really say.

KING KÜNG
Ah! Vell, zhat’s true, but vhat I’m…

REESE’S PIECES
We want to remake the Church in our image?

KING KÜNG
Of course vee do, but vhat I’m referrink to…

SOUR PATCH KIDS
We don’t believe in “personal sin”?

KING KÜNG
Zhat goes veethout sayink, but…

RAINBOWKID

Ooh! Ooh! We focus solely on Social Justice?
KING KÜNG
(smacks table)
Stop interruptink me!! Your guesses are off zee mark. No – zee vun zink conservative Catholics say about us, is zhat ve’re not reproducink. Ve’re not replacink ourselves. Ve’re dyink out. Vhile zhey go out and breed and breed and breed, ve’ve remained sterile.

SOUR PATCH KIDS
Well, so many of them are much better looking.

RAINBOWKID
And straight.

LIVE CURRANT
True, true. And priests fathering children is still frowned upon, unfortunately.

KING KÜNG
Thus my great master plan. Yes, zhere are too few young, married couples in our cabal, who are open to life. And priests still aren’t permitted to sire children. But vee do have one thing in abundance zhey do not.

MCBRAIN
And what would that be?

KING KÜNG
Vee have a lot more lesbians. My plan is to impregnate zhem veeth genetically engineered embryos predisposed to our ideology. Vee shall infuse zhem veeth my intellect, COSMIC GIRL‘s spirituality, MCBRAIN‘s visdom, REESE’S PIECES’ editorial skills, LIVE CURRANT‘s rationalization and zee RAINBOWKID‘s flair for fashion.

SOUR PATCH KIDS
What about us?

KING KÜNG
Vell, perhaps if you recruit some vun who’s halfvay decent-looking, vee can incorporate good looks, too. In any case, nine months later, a legion of replacements vill be born. Stronger. Faster. Better. Muwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!

ALL
Muwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!

KING KÜNG
Tventy years from now, vhen zhey become fully adult, vee vill have an unstoppable force, poised to defeat Universæ Ecclesiæ!!!

REESE’S PIECES
Hang on a sec. This is your “great plan”?

KING KÜNG
Are you kiddink me? This plan rocks! It’s Zee Boys from Brazil – veeth style!

LIVE CURRANT
But what about the American Catholic Council? I thought that was your plan.

KING KÜNG
Ahhh, the ACC. A mere subterfuge, a sleight of hand. Zee ACC vill keep zee Vatican and its crony bishops occupied vhile vee launch zhis plan – secretly. Clandestinely.

REESE’S PIECES
I dunno. Two decades before we see the fruits of this plan?

KING KÜNG
Vhat’s your point, RP?

REESE’S PIECES
Well, by then, the German Shepherd -

ALL
Hisssssssssssssssssssssss!!!

REESE’S PIECES
- will be replaced, right? Maybe by someone open to the Spirit of Vatican II. We could work on influencing the next papal election…

KING KÜNG
Bah! I’m not villink to take zhat chance. Zee Curia is stacked against us. Our only hope is to replace ourselves veeth genetically-designed descendants who vill carry on our vork, and bring about zee true vision of Vatican II, and preserve zee purity of our liturgies, eventually defeatink the Universæ Ecclesiæ! Zhis is zee only hope vee have!

MCBRAIN
Sounds reasonable to me. So what’s next?

KING KÜNG
Vell, I suggest vee schedule a series of Listenink Sessions, followed up by a conference call involvink all parties concerned. Zhen vee should hold a symposium, complete veeth breakout meetinks, and dialogue. Vunce every vun’s opinion has been heard, ve’ll publish an outline of zee final plan, get every vun to vote on it, and zhen proceed to zee next phase of zee plan. Agreed?

ALL
Agreed!

KING KÜNG
Ex-cellent! Oh – vun more zhink before you go. Stop in the Genetics Lab downstairs and leave a “sample”, vill you?

REESE’S PIECES
(aside to LIVE CURRANT)
I don’t know about you, but I really hope his accent gets screened.

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10 responses

  1. On the next day, they called a meeting once again for clarification:

    Live Currant

    “King Kung, that technology you described doesn't exist yet–you took it from a sci-fi movie.”

    King Kung

    I admit, I embellizhed a zlight bit, but I vas assured zat zis technology vill be here vithin ze next tventy to zirty years…

    (silence falls as all in the room think for a minute)

    Rainbow Kid

    But how many of us will be around that long?

  2. Well, if you have 'supervillins” than you need some superheroes, that is, besides the German Shepherd. One of them can be The Confessor, that super-hero padre you mention in the EWTN “shows that were rejected” post. I'll even draw them manga-style!

  3. I don't believe that this is accurate. S.C.H.I.S.M. headquarters would be way uglier than the building in the picture.

  4. Dear Larry,
    There's many a true word spoken in jest….very witty and funny but oh so sad at the same time.
    maryclare :-)
    P.S. Keep up the good work!

Comments are closed.