The Election Aftermath

….meanwhile, back at SCHISM [Society of Catholycs Hellbent on Instituting Secular Modernism] headquarters…

EXT. SWAMP – NIGHT
Moonlight streaks through moss-covered trees. Standing in the middle of a clearing is a black-domed structure that wouldn’t look out of place as a church in the Archdiocese of LA. It is the secret hideout for the nefarious super-villain group SCHISM.


INT. SECRET HIDEOUT
People seated around a large round table in a dimly lit room. One person is standing – he’s looking around the table, a scowl on his face. It’s KING KUNG (aka Hans Kung), leader of SCHISM.

KING KUNG
Okay people, we took a shellacking in yesterday’s election. Anyone have any thoughts as to how this happened? REESE’S PIECES?

REESE’S PIECES (aka Tom Reese, SJ)
It was RAINBOW KID‘s fault. If he hadn’t come out of the closet in support of Gerald, he would have won the election easily!

RAINBOW KID
(jumps out of chair)
That’s not fair! Commonweal assured me it was in the bag!

K.K.
Okay, stop shouting. It screws up my hearing aid. And why is it so dim in here? Can someone please turn up the light? I can hardly see as it is.

R.P.
We recently had the bulbs replaced with CFL’s. It’s important we be environmentally responsible in our evil bid to take over the Church.

K.K.
Fine, whatever. But let’s not point fingers at each other, okay? I want to have a constructive dialogue and figure out our next plan of action. GERALD, I’m sorry you didn’t win. We had worked so hard to get into position to take over the USCCB, and our plans were thwarted.
(Shakes fist, looks to sky)
Darn you, JP2 bishops!!

GERALD KICANIS
These things happen. Perhaps this minor setback will allow me to return to Tucson and meddle with…
(rubs hands together mischievously)
…immigration reform. Muwahahahahaha!!

K.K.
Great idea! That’s keeping things positive. COSMIC GIRL, you wanted to say something?

COSMIC GIRL (aka Joan Chittister)
I sense that the problem was our messaging. Too few people understand that they are Church, and in being and living Church, they can create their own reality and invoke the Spirit of Unification, thus raising their consciousness sufficiently in order to overcome the shackles of hierarchy and be free to love.

R.P.
(aside to person next to him)
I don’t even understand that, and I’m a Jesuit!

K.K.
M’kay. Messaging. Right. Anybody else? MCBRAIN?

MCBRAIN (aka Richard McBrien)

I blame John Paul II.

K.K.
(softly)
Richard, let it go. He’s dead.

MCBRAIN
(thinking)
I blame…the German Shepherd!!

ALL
Hisssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

K.K.
Listen, we’ve experienced some setbacks in recent years. World Youth Days. Ordinatio Sacerdotalis. Summorum Pontificum. The motu proprio. Anglicanorum coetibus.

Voice in back
Dude! Can you,like y’know, use English and stuff? We’re like, whoa, what language is that dude speakin, like, y’know?

K.K.
Who is that? SOUR PATCH KIDS?

S.P.K. (aka YouthGen from Call-to-Action)
Yeah, dude. Like, what are you talkin’ about?

K.K.
(ignoring SPK)
Another setback has been the new English translation, and I thought the “What If We Just Said Wait” campaign would have stopped it dead in its tracks. Alas, we were thwarted. Still, we have some successes to be proud of from the past 40+ years: The LIVE CURRANT‘s masterful ‘P.O.B.’ Politician Abortion Equivocator Policy .

LIVE CURRANT (aka Charles Curran)
(rises from chair slightly and bows)
Thank you, thank you. Let me also remind you that I nearly single-handedly dismantled the Humanae Vitae Missile. Muwahahahahaha!!

ALL
(clapping)

K.K.
Yes, that was brilliant. And we have more Catholics cohabiting, contracepting, aborting, supporting gay marriage and divorcing than at any time in history. All great achievements. But we are in danger of losing it all. GERALD’s defeat could signal the unraveling of the Seamless Garment.

ALL
Gasp!! Not the Seamless Garment!!

COSMIC GIRL
The great Seamless Garment that encompasses all of reality is becoming threadbare, permitting the darkness of orthodoxy to stream into our pathways of consciousness, disrupting the flow of cosmic energy that…

K.K.
Yes, yes, COSMIC GIRL. It’s bad. We all know that. Now the question is – what do we do about it? How do we spin this defeat to the public? We need talking points.

R.P.

We could say that the moderate lost and the ultra-conservative won.

K.K.
EX-cellent!

MCBRAIN
The Catholic-Paper-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named wields too much power! We could say that the fundamentalist rabid right wing Catholic bloggers influenced the vote!

K.K.
Yes! Yes! EX-cellent!

LIVE CURRANT
We should say that it’s time for the bishops to resist listening to the laity.

R.P.
But we’ve been complaining for years that the bishops haven’t been listening to the laity.

L.C.
Well, they should stop listening to the wrong sort of laity, then!

K.K.
EX-cellent!

RAINBOW KID
We could say that Dolan’s election is virtually meaningless because the USCCB, as a body, really has no authoritative power and thus is incapable of rendering any doctrinal statements that the laity are bound to obey.

[silence]

What? What’d I say?

K.K.
Guards! Take the RAINBOW KID to the Marty Haugen Reorientation Room! Immediately!

Two GUARDS dressed like liturgical dancers prance into view, grab the RAINBOW KID by the arms and drag him out of the room.

K.K.
Okay, we all know he’s right, but let’s face it. If we publicly admitted that the USCCB is just theatre, then when we take it over someday, our own statements could be used against us. But we have talking points now. Yes, this has been a dark day for SCHISM, but I predict brighter days in our future, and for the future of our Church. So do not despair! For, lo, let me remind you of our most ambitious, devious, nefarious scheme yet!
(He pushes a button on the tabletop)

A large projector screen descends from the ceiling.

K.K.
Behold! I give you….the American Catholic Council!!!
Muwahahahahahahaha!!

All
(standing and rubbing their hands with glee)
Muwahahahahahahahaha!!!

Fade to black.

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17 responses

  1. Oh Larry. You've outdone yourself this time. I'm not quite sure who Rainbow Kid is, but other than that, this was priceless.

    You deserve an OSCAR! (Ordinary Sinful Catholic Aiming for Redemption)

  2. Michael – Nan is correct. The Rainbow Kid represents the Rainbow Sash movement who endorsed Bp Kicanis the day before the election.

    Glad you liked it, btw!

  3. Love the new ID for Joanie C. But I am a bit afraid of what her costume might end up looking like. Definitely won't be near anything the OSB habit she should be wearing though.
    Of course now you have to come up with the equivalent for the good guys including Papa Benedetto & Archbishop Burke.

  4. Is this satire?

    Reading the comments at C, NCR etc., it's almost like you were there in strategy meetings. :O)

    You missed a few tho..

    I/we are ecclesial campaigning crowing pride-filled egotistical gossip mongering distractors overlooking Bp. Dolans abuse enabling and slanders who are not obedient to the bishops, mocking superior sedevacanists or something like that who lack humility taking credit for what happened. Satan prevails in the Church sometimes. We're confusing political rhetoric for religious sentiment politically smearing and dragging bishops through the mud. What would Jesus do? Seriously, what kind of mentality is this?

    2477 Respect for the reputation of persons forbids every attitude and word likely to cause them unjust injury.278 He becomes guilty:

    - of rash judgment who, even tacitly, assumes as true, without sufficient foundation, the moral fault of a neighbor;

    - of detraction who, without objectively valid reason, discloses another's faults and failings to persons who did not know them;279

    - of calumny who, by remarks contrary to the truth, harms the reputation of others and gives occasion for false judgments concerning them.

    2478 To avoid rash judgment, everyone should be careful to interpret insofar as possible his neighbor's thoughts, words, and deeds in a favorable way:

    Every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another's statement than to condemn it. But if he cannot do so, let him ask how the other understands it. And if the latter understands it badly, let the former correct him with love. If that does not suffice, let the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct interpretation so that he may be saved.280

    2479 Detraction and calumny destroy the reputation and honor of one's neighbor. Honor is the social witness given to human dignity, and everyone enjoys a natural right to the honor of his name and reputation and to respect. Thus, detraction and calumny offend against the virtues of justice and charity.

    2480 Every word or attitude is forbidden which by flattery, adulation, or complaisance encourages and confirms another in malicious acts and perverse conduct. Adulation is a grave fault if it makes one an accomplice in another's vices or grave sins. Neither the desire to be of service nor friendship justifies duplicitous speech. Adulation is a venial sin when it only seeks to be agreeable, to avoid evil, to meet a need, or to obtain legitimate advantages.

    So, there you have it in a nutshell.

    I can't tell if prudence went out the window when I invited him to be tarred and feathered and thrown under the bus with Kicanas or when I said the tack was despicable.

    How do you solve a problem like Carol?

  5. My raucous laughter turned to sobbing when I realized my bishop was the one being ridiculed (yep, I live in the Diocese of Tucson – lucky me, I know!).

    I used to live in the Diocese of Phoenix and have a REAL bishop!!

    Some of your best work yet, Larry!

  6. I never did like the seamless garment. After all, I'm pro choice, so I couldn't support the whole thing. I do agree with Erin Manning that torture can never be condoned. I even agree with the Pope on that one.

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