Fist Bump Of Peace

Some Worship Commission chairperson somewhere will read this study, and think, “Hey! Why don’t we…?” You know it’s true.

Fist Bump Spreads Fewer Germs Than Handshakes, Study Finds

The familiar knocking of knuckles spreads only one-twentieth the amount of bacteria that a handshake does, researchers report. That’s better than a high-five, which still passes along less than half the amount as a handshake.

 

But why wait? Spread peace, not germs!

For the uninitiated, the following video shows a variety of different fist bumps you can use during Mass:

I prefer the Reverse Explosion and Parachute.

Men, Now Is The Time

This is it, guys – those of you who blog. Our chance to take control of the Catholic blogosphere. Let me fill you in on what’s going down.

Catholic Mommy Bloggers from the world over are congregating in Austin this very weekend for the first ever Edel Gathering. I know it sounds like a female rocker band outdoor concert thing, but it’s not. The name Edel is taken from Venerable Edel Quinn, and the Gathering is about Catholic moms getting their batteries recharged escaping the kids blah blah blah. But enough about the details. Let me throw vague and possibly untrue assertions at you instead.

Edel Gathering is the brainchild of Jen Fulwiler (the Catholic Internet Meme Queen, who, if you recall, luckily survived my coup from a couple years ago) and Hallie Lord, her death-dealing, strawberry-eating ninja right hand sidekick. They’re the primo Catholic Mommy Bloggers, the Generals of the Blogging Baby-making Brigade. They’ve gone and invited millions of mommy bloggers to Austin for a weekend confab.

Hallie & Jen getting ready to greet their guests on Saturday...

Hallie & Jen getting ready to greet their guests on Saturday…

The timing couldn’t be perfect. They have other Mommy bloggers as speakers, such as Haley Stewart. Other Mommy bloggers are in attendance, such as Calah Alexander, Kathryn Whitaker, Cari Donaldson, Mark Shea and Rebecca Frech. Are you beginning to sense a pattern here?

THE MOMMY BLOGGERS ARE OFF THE INTERNET!!!!

Don’t doubt me on this. You long-time readers know, that when you think “Acts of the Apostasy”, three words come to mind.

Fingers. Pulse. Catholic. Blogosphere.

It's okay - they can't count.

It’s okay – they can’t count.

So while they’re all gathered talking about babies, and swapping projectile vomiting stories, and comparing Jamberries, and effective potty-training techniques, and what have you – us guys have the perfect opportunity to take things over.

This can work. I’ve sneaked in an “educational” video at the Gathering to help with the revolution.

I can talk about our plans without worrying about the wimmins discovering what’s going on because, duh…THE MOMMY BLOGGERS ARE OFF THE INTERNET!!

I’m not talking small potatoes here either, like leaving the toilet seat up, or duct taping the kids to the wall, or rolling & flicking boogers behind the sofa (not that I would ever do that, but I’ve heard about it), or drinking straight from the milk jug. We have to go for the whole enchilada.

And not give it back.

So if you’re with me, sign up in the combox. Don’t be shy. Pull up your big-boy boxer shorts, be brave and join the revolution.

Finish your Honey Do list first, if you must. I’m not gonna judge you. But we only have til 11 AM Sunday.

(CORRECTION: I was just informed that Mark Shea isn’t there. My bad.)

Salvation History Time Machine, Part 2

Part 1 is here. That dealt with the Old Testament.

Part 2 is the New Testament – Gospels, Acts, the epistles, Revelation – the whole Biblical burrito.

The three events I’d like to go back and witness, in no particular order, are:

1) The Wedding at Cana, for a couple reasons. One, to see the reaction of the head steward and guests after the miracle; and two, to see Jesus at a social, joy-filled event. I think that would be cool.

2) The Transfiguration. That would totally blow me away.

3) The missionary journeys of any of the apostles who ventured far from Judea, after Pentecost. It would be fascinating to witness their faith, to get a better understanding of what they endured to spread the Gospel far and wide. Not St. Paul so much, but those whose stories & experiences are lost to history.

I left out the events surrounding Jesus’ Passion, and the Resurrection, because to me, they have more meaning being left shrouded in Holy Mystery.

So what would you like to go back and see?

Papal Bias

Remember when Pope Benedict said this, back in 2010?

“There may be a basis in the case of some individuals, as perhaps when a male prostitute uses a condom, where this can be a first step in the direction of a moralisation, a first assumption of responsibility, on the way toward recovering an awareness that not everything is allowed and that one cannot do whatever one wants.”

I wonder how many bloggers, who defended and explained PBXVI’s comment back then, would say, if Pope Francis had said it today, that he’s trying to change Church teaching on contraception or some other outrageous thing.

I’m thinking quite a few.

Seattle Priest Starts Marijuana Mass For Parish Potheads

(AoftheAP) When the state of Washington legalized marijuana in 2013, Fr Jeff Spicoli recognized an opportunity to evangelize. And after several months of meetings with the parish council and Worship Commission of St Mary Jane parish, his vision is about to be realized.

Starting in August, his parish will be the first in the nation to offer a Marijuana Mass.

“Like, we have to reach those on the fringes,” he told AoftheA News. ” The potheads, stoners, dealers, druggies, airheads, waste-oids, tokers, users, pushers, growers – they’re all on the periphery. This Mass will be like a total outreach,  where they will feel welcome. I’m hoping that when they come to Mass, they’ll be like, ‘Whoaaaa, dude!’ So many users don’t come to the church because they feel they’ll be judged. This special Sunday mass will, like, not make them feel bad about themselves.”

Fr Spicoli says the Mass will be by the rubrics, making assurances the incense will meet Church standards. “Although we might modify the Kiss of Peace to, like, include passing around a joint. And after Mass, we’ll offer Doritos and White Castle sliders in the parish hall, or what we affectionately call The Choom Room.”

The mass will be added to the regular weekend schedule starting the first Sunday of August, at 4:20 PM.

 

 

Salvation History Time Machine, Part 1

So here’s a question for y’all – if you had a Salvation History Time Machine, which Biblical event – or events – would you go back in time to witness?

For the purpose of this meme, limit yourself to the Old Testament (hence “Part 1″). Next week I’ll post Part 2 (New Testament), and the following week will be Part 3 (Church History). Now don’t be ridiculous and say, if I could go back in time, I’d stop Eve from eating the forbidden fruit. It can’t be done – trust me, I tried. No, what I’m talking about is, what event(s) would you like to witness, not effect or change or stop or any such tomfoolery.

Granted, the Old Testament covers a loooooong time. So limiting yourself to one or three events might be difficult. No worries – take your time, and let’s have some fun. Lord knows we need it.

For me, there are 3 things I’d love to go back and watch. One, the fall of Jericho (I bet Joshua’s horns were actually vuvzelas). Two, Elijah’s sacrifice showdown with the priests of Baal. A pure popcorn moment in Old Testament history if ever there was one. And three, just how hot was that Bathsheba chick, anyway?

Ha ha, just kidding on #3. Everyone knows she was da bomb.

No, number three would be watching the ten plagues wrought upon the Egyptians…safely…from a very very safe place. I’m sure that Hollywood didn’t come close to depicting to what actually transpired.

Those are mine. What are yours? Which Old Testament events would you like to witness, if you could?

If I Had Written “I Am The Bread Of Life”…

…that wouldn’t have been its title.

With yesterday being the Solemnity of Corpus Christi, that song was sung during Holy Communion. Lord, forgive me, but I really don’t like that song (sorry – can’t call it a hymn). I know it’s quasi-directly quoting Scripture, but come on – I am not the Bread of Life, I am not the Resurrection, and people who come to me still hunger and thirst.

If I had written it, this is how it would go:

You are the Bread of Life
If I come to you I shall not hunger
If I believe in you I shall not thirst
No one can come to you
Unless the Father beckons

[Refrain]
And He will raise me up
And He will raise me up
And He will raise me up
On the last day

The bread that you will give
Is your flesh for the life of the world
And if I eat of this bread
I shall live forever
I shall live forever

[Refrain]

Unless I eat
Of the flesh of the Son of Man
And drink of His blood
And drink of His blood
I shall not have life within me

[Refrain]

You are the Resurrection
You are the Life
If I believe in You
Even though I die
I shall live forever

[Refrain]

There’s one more verse (which isn’t bad, actually), but you get the idea. Unfortunately, my version would never get published because it doesn’t fit the paradigm of making much of modern Church-going about the Me-gesterium, or reflect someone’s wacky idea of what the “Spirit of Vatican II” is all about. My version puts Christ in His rightful place, which can make some folks uncomfortable. Granted, I don’t believe that people who like this song go around thinking their flesh is for the life of the world. It could be a meditative thing – who knows? Even still, after receiving the Blessed Sacrament, which sounds better to you, coming from your own mouth? “I will raise you up” or “He will raise me up”?

I know which one I prefer.

A Priest And A Rabbi Were On A Plane…

(A friend emailed this to me.)

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my vow of celibacy.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the sh*t out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

Vatican Announces “Prayer For Peace In Catholic Blogosphere” Event, Invites Patheos And Rorate Caeli To Participate

(AoftheAP) Vatican officials confirmed that the Holy Father will host a “Prayer for Peace in the Catholic Blogosphere” event later this month, close on the heels of the historic Prayer for Peace in the Middle East event held Sunday June 8, where Israeli President Shimon Peres and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas met with Pope Francis in the Vatican Gardens. Final details are being made for bloggers from Patheos and Rorate Caeli to come to Rome and pray together, reportedly for the first time ever in a public forum.

“This is truly a historic event, and one that, quite frankly, is even harder to pull together,” one official told AoftheA News. “Expectations for this event ought to be kept low, however. No one should expect peace to break out immediately, or the next week.”

Allegedly, the Holy Father left a comment in a post of Elizabeth Scalia, (Patheos Catholic Portal Editor-in-Chief), floating the idea for the event. He also attempted to leave a comment at Rorate Caeli, but their blog instituted a “no comments” policy sometime ago, forcing him to email one of the contributors instead. It’s believed his first email went directly to the spam folder.

Vatican officials said the event would be a “pause in rhetoric” and had no blogospherical aim other than to rekindle the desire for Catholic blogosphere peace at the theological and popular level, according to AoftheA News.

It is unknown at this time which Patheos bloggers or RC contributors would be in attendance. There are unconfirmed reports that RC will not attend if any language other than Latin is spoken. In addition, the Swiss Guard have been placed on high alert should Kat Fernandez (aka the Crescat) be in attendance.

Top Ten Rejected Vacation Bible School Themes

Drive through any US city or suburb, and you’ll see the ubiquitous signs in front of Catholic churches and Protestant places of worship alike:

“Enroll your child in VBS today!”

The themes for such week-long excursions into (hopefully) strengthening the kidlets’ faith tend to be innocuous and innocent. For instance, the one at my parish this summer is titled “Weird Animals!” – because Jesus loves the weird animals too. Maybe they saw my “Strange Creatures of Our World” series of posts, and thought “Hey! Just the ticket to strengthen the kidlets’ faith!” Don’t know, and frankly, I don’t want to know.

However, a number of the suggested themes are often rejected because they lack prudence or are, dare I say it, a bit too avant garde even for today’s hip and with it Christian. Very few people are aware of this.

Fortunately for you, the AoftheA Editorial Board has uncovered the list of proposed Vacation Bible School themes, and presents to you, in no particular order, the Top Ten rejected themes.

10) Let’s Burn Heretics!
9) How to Write Like a National Catholic Reporter Columnist
8) So You Think You Can Dance Like Salome?
7) The Theology Of Nancy Pelosi/Joe Biden
6) Jezebel, Delilah & Other Noble Women of the OT
5) MMA Cage Match Training
4) Sacramental Wine Tasting
3) It’s Armageddon Time!
2) Sharing Our Faith Through Passive-Aggressive Outrage
1) Get Blogging!

1 and 2 might be redundant.

If you know of other rejected themes, leave them in the combox. If you know of some weird and crazy real themes, leave those in the combox too. We all could use some laughs and chuckles.

Celebration For Sr Patricia!

Sr Patricia Owens O’Flannery – part time contributor to AoftheA, full time omni-spiritual Dominican frosted flake – will soon be celebrating a landmark anniversary! She professed vows way back on June 1, 1984 – 30 years ago! Amazing!

So I’m throwing her a party on Sunday, but need some gift ideas. I’m giving her a personalized Reiki Stone Tumbler & Polisher, but could use a few more knick-knicky things. What would you suggest? Price is no object!

If you’re in the area, I’ve made 6:00 PM dinner reservations at Crystal Luna’s Vegan Vortex – she has a private dining room that can hold 40-50 people comfortably. The interpretive dance troupe “Cosmic Stepzz” will perform during dinner, and a Poetry Slam (open mic) will be held afterwards in the hookah lounge. I’ll be reciting “Your Words, O Sophia, Soothe My Spiritual Reflux Like Prilosec For The Soul”.

sisterpatricia

Congratulations, Sister! May you enjoy another 30 years of faithful service to whatever makes you happy and fulfilled!